


when somebody loved me (everything was beautiful)

by thesatanistauthor



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Emotional, M/M, continuation of 16x14, hurt/comfort???, nico opens up a little, they're both sad and hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesatanistauthor/pseuds/thesatanistauthor
Summary: a lot of things have been said and done that need to be fixed, and nico is hoping levi will give him five minutes to listen to him.-aka my version of a continuation to 16x14 since the greys writers clearly don't know what the fuck they're doing.
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 16
Kudos: 156





	when somebody loved me (everything was beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in like two hours and haven't proof read it so please be nice. i see a lot of these from levi's sort of pov, so i decided to twist it and do it from nico's. i'm not taking sides in this matter, i see both sides, i don't want any arguments in my comments, nor do i want anyone telling me that i wrote this wrong, blah blah blah. i don't need that, you don't need that, take it somewhere else.

Nico sighs deeply, head in his hands, fingers curled into his hair. 

Frustration, anger, heartbreak, guilt. It's all he feels, and more. It burns, aches deep in his chest, as if it's eating him from the inside out. Well, it really had been, for over a year. 

And he let it all slip out in an irrational moment of irritation.

How could he be so damn _thoughtless_?

He leans back against the couch, letting his head rest against the back of it. He stares up at the ceiling, at the darkness, hoping that this is all some sort of crazy fucked up dream in which he will wake up from any moment. 

The texts he sent Levi stay unread, or he's turned off his phone, or read receipts. Nico doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to give in, or lose the man he adores. 

He's scared. _Terrified_ , even. 

There isn't a part of him that doesn't loathe his entire being at this very moment in time. 

He blinks back the tears he can feel pricking at his eyes and sucks in a shaky breath, turning his attention to the phone placed beside him. It stays dark, and his heart sinks in his chest. Half of him wishes to see it light up, to hear it chime, though he knows he would be too scared to look at it. 

Too scared to lose _Levi_. 

The man he adores with every fibre of his being. There hasn't been one other person in his life that he's adored quite as much as he has Levi. No one even comes close. It's already nearly happened once and quite honestly, Nico doesn't know if he could cope with that again.

Nico really expected Levi to be in his apartment when he got back, but it was empty when he arrived. That hurt more than he cares to admit. It feels empty without Levi's presence, the constant talking or humming, the odd bits of his things left lying around. It feels barren, bare, cold. 

Nico knows it's his fault. He knows it's what he said, about wanting Levi to get his own place. He didn't mean it in such a way, but it's not as if he could explain that. He didn't know how. 

A muffled buzz comes from beside him and it snatches his attention immediately. His phone lights up, illuminating that small space for a period of time. He stares and waits for the screen to return to black, before he eventually reaches out and takes it. 

Nico can hear his heartbeat in his ears, and it's almost deafening. His breath catches in his chest as he taps the screen, seeing the notification front and center on the screen, staring at him, mocking him. 

Everything feels like it's on fire around him, despite the fact there is a cold breeze in his apartment and he's shivering. He can feel it in his cheeks, his chest, his stomach. A burning sensation he can't seem to rid himself of. 

When he finally focuses his eyes on the text, he almost feels dizzy. 

_I get you're sorry. I just don't understand why, Nico. I trusted you. I really did. You just keep pulling these things out from nowhere and I don't know what to do anymore._

He reads it over a couple of times, and again, and once more to make sure he has read it correctly. He expected that response, almost thinking he deserves it. 

His thumbs hover over the screen as he wracks his mind for something to respond. A couple of seconds pass by and he starts typing, pressing the send button moments later. He feels his eyes straining at the bright light of the screen, contrast to the dark room around him.

_**Come home.**_

A sense of regret fills him as soon as he sees the message change from delivered to read, and he almost wants to shut off his phone and move country. All he's ever done is run from his problems instead of facing them, and he decides in that moment it needs to stop.

The phone buzzes twice more, and he checks. 

_I am home, Nico._

_Plus, you never wanted me at your place. It was never home._

Sighing, he takes one more shot at hoping Levi will listen to him. 

**_If you just give me a moment to explain, I will. If you are willing to listen, then I will talk._ **

Opening up is something Nico never learned how to do. Being in a space where everything was better kept to yourself made life a little harder. A part of him thinks that is the reason he snaps and breaks so badly when he's under an intense amount of pressure. 

Like he did when he lost Josh. 

Failure was never an option. It was never an _excuse_. 

It was just another reason for his parents to hold everything against him. Another reason to face criticism. And that scared him beyond belief. 

Nico never learned how to express his feelings, never learned how to reciprocate any sort of affection or compliment. Instead, it made him feel awkward and strange, like he was undeserving of it. Like it was highly wrong, and he would rather not hear it than be bombarded with nothing but love from the people around him. 

No reply comes from Levi. It says the message is read, and the growing feeling of dread grows in the pit of his stomach. He turns and leans himself into the corner of the couch, pulling his legs up to him, chin rested on his knees. 

The silence around him is deafening and he longingly wishes to hear Levi's voice. He wishes to hear his incessant humming, he wishes to hear his high pitched laugh when he finds something truly funny, he'd even take hearing Levi yell at him, just to hear his voice. 

He focuses his mind on something to stop himself from spiraling anymore than he already had. The dinner with his parents had gone as well as he had expected it to. Question after question after question; and none of his answers were ever enough. 

What do you do now? An orthopedic surgeon at one of the best hospitals in Seattle. 

It was met with a huff, followed by silence. A long silence. 

Have you found yourself a girlfriend yet?

No. Of course he hadn't. 

He found Levi.

How much do you earn?

Why did you move to Seattle?

Why, why, why, _why_?

Not a hello, not a ' _how are you doing?_ ', not a ' _we missed you!'_ , not even a hug, or a smile, or anything. Just question after question, judgment after judgment, awkward silences followed by a clattering of cutlery.

The things that snaps him out of his self-induced spiral is the sound of a faint knock. It makes him startle. It's only when he snaps back to reality that he feels the dampness on his cheeks, and the stinging in his eyes. He quickly wipes the tears from his cheeks as he gets up from his spot on the couch, and makes his way over to open the door. 

When he opens it, he's greeted by Levi. He wears an unreadable look. Nico can't quite tell if he's pissed, or upset, or indifferent. 

Neither of them say anything. Nico kind of looks Levi up and down, in disbelief that he was truly in front of him, standing there. He looks rough, and Nico can see the slight flush under his eyes. The type of flush he gets after crying. Nico can't blame him.

And the guilt builds even more. 

"You said you would talk if I listened," Levi starts, and Nico listens. "Were you serious about that?"

Nico nods and swallows down the lump forming in his throat. "Yes."

Levi stands up a little straighter, takes in a deep breath, shifts his weight. Nico knows what he's trying to do. "Then I'll listen."

Nico steps to the side, allowing Levi into his apartment. Levi makes his way straight over to the couch and sits, never bothering to turn on a light, keeping the room in a dimness, the only light coming from outside. 

Nico's almost thankful for that. 

He closes the door behind him and follows, sitting in the empty spot across from Levi. He lets himself sink into the couch, never once catching Levi's gaze. He feels too ashamed to look at him, though there is so much he wants to say. 

"I knew talking over text wouldn't be enough," his voice is softer, calmer than before. His shoulders are more relaxed, and that gives Nico the slight confidence boost he needs to finally look at Levi. 

"Yeah," is all Nico replies, unsure of what to say. 

Levi clears his throat and crosses his legs beneath him, fingers tapping against his knee. 

Nico knows he needs to say something before Levi loses all trust in him and leaves. It's probably one of the most terrifying things he's had to do. Apologizing, accepting defeat, failing, talking about how he truly feels; those things were never anything he'd experienced before, and he was having to learn fast. 

"My parents are critical," he begins, hoping it will lead him in the right direction. "Very critical. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I've never been good enough. No matter what I do, or what I achieve, it all seems to be a massive waste."

"Nico," Levi says, voice soft. It makes Nico tear up a little, and he has to blink back the tears before they inevitably spillover. 

"I've never been good enough," he repeats, voice lower than before, struggling to get out the words. "I've never known how to receive any sort of affection, or love, or compliment, It's all unnatural to me, and I wish it wasn't so hard to just accept these things, when to everyone else it's so normal."

Levi listens and keeps quiet, letting Nico say what he needs to say. there are things he needs to say too, but it's Nico time to talk. He isn't going to take that away from him. 

"When we started dating, and you showed me all this love, it scared the hell out of me. I admit that. It still scares me shitless. I'm still learning," Nico pauses, looks to Levi for some sort of sign that he's taking in what he's saying. Levi gives him a small nod, as an encouragement to carry on with what he's saying. "When I found out you weren't out, that scared me too. I think it's because it reminded me so much of myself."

"It reminded you of yourself?"

"Yes," Nico nods. "And I didn't know how to react, so I said the first thing that came to mind, that I was out. Which, clearly, I'm not."

That makes them both laugh a little, and it lightens the mood. It helps, and Nico doesn't feel so nervous to finally talk to Levi about this. 

"I projected myself onto you, which I shouldn't have done. When you came out, I was so proud, and so terrified for you at the same time. When it got received with acceptance, I wanted to do that, and I seriously thought about it. I thought I could do it, too," Nico takes in a breath and brings one of his legs up to rest beneath him. "I honestly tried, too."

"Wait," Levi's brows knit together in a look of confusion. "You tried?"

Nico nods in response. Yes, he tried. But when he was met with silence from his parents, when he really tried to talk to them and open up to them for the first time in years, he freaked out, and subsequently backed out of doing it. 

"Then all of that acceptance was taken away from you and that only made me even more unsure of my future if I told my parents."

"It wasn't taken away," Levi adds in, and Nico frowns. "It was never really there in the first place."

"You amaze me, Levi Schmitt. You are so brave, and you fight for what you believe is right. I wish I could do what you do," it's from the heart and Nico almost feels weird saying it, though he knows every single word is true. There isn't any way it couldn't be true. "I want to come out to my parents, and show them I'm okay with who I am. I want you to meet them. I truly do. I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

Levi understands where Nico is coming from; he was in that very same position once, too. It was Nico who gave him the confidence to be his true self, who showered him with so much love and support. It was Nico who helped him grow into his own shoes, to grow into his own self. And for the first time in a long time, Levi felt okay with himself.

And it was all because of Nico. 

However, that didn't stop the hurt from what Nico had said. Deep down, Levi was still mad. After over a year of dating, he finds out that Nico isn't out, like he said he was. That hurt, it still stings, because Levi trusted Nico and he lied to him. 

Levi has things to say, and Nico knows it too, because Levi speaks his mind in situations like this. He knows how to communicate it in a healthy way. 

"I understand where you are coming from Nico, and I'm not going to push you into coming out," it almost feels ironic to Levi that he's telling Nico this, after all they went through. "But I'm still hurt. You understand that, right?"

Nico nods. 

"I love you, Nico. I really do, with every ounce of my being. I know you love me too, even though you have the strangest ways of showing it. I know that this is something we can work through, but I need time," Levi's words cut deep into Nico. He understands why Levi needs time, and he accepts that, but the thought that he could lose Levi in that time makes it terrifying to him. 

"I know," Nico chokes on his words, struggling to keep himself composed. He blinks a couple of times, keeping his head low. Despite his best efforts, Levi can still make out the pool of tears threatening to spill. 

"You come out in your own time. I can't force you, no one can. I will be here for you, no matter what the outcome is. You know that."

"Levi?"

"Hm?"

Nico pauses, and thinks. "I'm going to do it, I promise."

A solemn smile tugs at the corners of Levi's lips. A part of him almost doesn't believe Nico, believing that it's just another lie on his part. Levi can only nod in response.

"And Levi," Nico rushes out. "I want you to come back here. I miss you, so much. This is your home, as much as it is mine."

"You weren't saying that the other day," his tone drips with hurt as his face falls. 

"I know," Nico admits, and he wants to hide away from life, because it hurts. 

It falls silent between them. There is so much both of them want to say to each other. There is so much to say that it's almost impossible to do so. 

Levi sucks in a deep breath and shifts to sit at the edge of the couch. He clasps his hands together, forearms rested on his knees as he leans forward. 

"I still need time to think this through."

"Okay."

"And I think you need time to think this through, too."

"Alright," Nico accepts, because Levi is right. He's always right. 

Levi stands from the couch, wrapping his arms around himself as he faces Nico. Nico stares up at him, waiting for something to be said, or done. 

Instead, Levi sighs deeply, and walks around the couch, making his way to the front door. 

The door clicks open, letting in the light from the corridor outside, illuminating the room. Nico turns to watch over the back of the couch, arms rested on the back of it. Levi has one foot out the door, before Nico calls out to him. 

There wasn't any way that Nico was going to let Levi go home feeling like he wasn't loved by Nico. 

"Levi," he calls out, a sort of desperation about his tone. Levi stops, turning on the ball of his foot to look back at Nico. For a moment, Nico says nothing, almost frozen with this strange sort of fear. So, he breathes deep, closes his eyes for a moment, and lets his heart speak for him. "I love you. I really do, with all my heart."

A small, but genuine smile spreads onto Levi's face. Nico manages to muster up a smile, too. Though it still feels strange for him to say, it also feels good - liberating almost. And the joy it brings to Levi is enough for Nico. The smile it brings to his face says everything to him. 

"I love you, too," Levi replies back, and he means it. They both do. 

Levi waves a little goodbye to Nico before he disappears out the door. Nico returns to his position on the couch, with a smile, for the first time that night. 

Things still may be rough, and things still need to be said and done, but steps have been taken. Nico knows he still has a lot to fix, and he still has a lot to work on, but with Levi by his side, he's sure he can pull through. 

And that's okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was probably really awful but i needed to write something. please don't be mean, okay? okay, thank you. anyways, i hope you at least enjoyed some parts! lets hope for some sort of redemption for next ep, yeah?


End file.
